Category: Self-Esteem

Everyone has insecurities. As such, it’s not unusual for someone to have the occasional bad day when it comes to their self-esteem. When faced with these days, remind yourself of all of the qualities and traits that you should feel proud of. Everyone is entitled to an off-day, once in awhile. When these days grow more frequent, it may be a sign of some underlying trouble. We are most often kinder to others than we are to ourselves. The negative thoughts and feelings that we save for ourselves are seldom something we would ever say to someone else. So why don’t we care just as much when the pain is self-inflicted? When it comes to scrutiny or harsh expectations, we are often our own worst enemies. Try to mend the relationship with yourself and turn animosity into generosity. In other words, learn to be your own best friends.

Negative Feelings Can Lead to Self-Abuse

Negative feelings about ourselves rarely go unaccompanied by self-abuse. In fact, clinical assistant professor of Psychology at University of Pennsylvania, Dr. Seth Gillihan, explains that “negative thoughts and feeling about ourselves often go along with treating ourselves badly. For example, we might verbally abuse ourselves, deprive ourselves of sleep, eat poorly, or abuse substances that harm our bodies.” We may never think of harming one of our close friends or even an acquaintance, and yet when we feel negatively about ourselves we become much more likely to administer self-abuse. We are no more deserving of such treatment than anyone else, and yet we somehow feel as though we are. Negative mindsets such as these can have a harmful effect on one’s health, happiness, and well-being. We deserve to be happy and healthy just as we would hope for our friends. In this way, we must learn to view ourselves similarly. As a friend, not a foe.

We might think to ourselves that if we just ignore our negative thoughts and feelings that we have about ourselves, they will go away. This is almost never the case. Many people try to compensate for their negative thoughts about self by being overly nice to others. Placing emphasis on other people can mean neglecting our own wants and needs, thereby contributing, not easing our bad spirits. Dr. Gillihan says that “we might be very considerate toward everyone in our lives except for the person who inhabits our own skin.” The problem is learning to view ourselves as someone of value. We are just as valuable as those closest to us, we just need to learn to see this for ourselves. Our friends and loved ones know this to be true, which is why they want what’s best for us. We are worth knowing and loving. This can be difficult to remember when we’re too busy talking down to ourselves or acting as our own abusers. No one deserves to suffer an abusive relationship, especially if they are fulfilling that role themselves.

Negative Self-Treatment: A Vicious Cycle

Dr. Gillihan provides the following example to illustrate how negative self-treatment can affect one’s self-esteem and perception of self: “imagine being in a relationship with a friend, a family member, or a romantic partner who never asks how you’re doing. (Hopefully this is not your reality.) Imagine if this person never attended to your needs or did anything nice for you, and if s/he did, it was begrudgingly and with minimal effort.” Such treatment is almost guaranteed to have a negative impact on one’s perception of their own self-worth, which will only worsen the treatment in question. The same logic applies to self-inflicted negativity. When we treat ourselves badly, we are only contributing to the problem of our own negative emotions and low self-esteem. The only way to break the cycle is to realize that we deserve better. We deserve to be happy with ourselves and in our lives.

Fake Self-Love Till You Make It

How can we break out of this dangerous cycle of negative thoughts about ourselves? Dr. Gillihan recommends that while changing thoughts can be helpful to some extent, the way to see real results is through changing our behavior. He explains: “even if we don’t feel it, we can choose to act as though we love ourselves. Act as if you’re someone who matters. We can, in fact, fake it, and the feelings often follow.” In other words, “fake it ‘till you make it.” This old adage holds more truth than we may have previously realized. When we alter our behavior, through reconditioning, we can also alter our mindset. We might start by treating ourselves to a nice lunch, whether at a dining place or homemade. In fact, we might take the time to thoughtfully plan our day, including time for at least one activity we truly enjoy. While running from place to place trying to complete tasks and fulfill obligations it can be easy to neglect ourselves along the way. We should remember to include time for what we want, not just what we need, and in doing so, build positive emotions towards ourselves through what we like. And perhaps most importantly, we should surround ourselves with those who help us become the best versions of ourselves, not those who bring us down. After all, relationships can have a huge impact on our happiness and well-being.

At the end of the day, we will always have ourselves. Therefore we must learn to love who we are. We are our own longest-lasting and strongest relationship and this relationship is one worth caring for and nurturing. While it may feel awkward at first, self-love is entirely possible. It doesn’t have to be forced, rather, it can grow organically through regular self-care and kind treatment.

If you’d like to talk to one of our therapists about the negative feelings that you are having about yourself, please call our office @ 800-378-9354.

Everyone has insecurities. As such, it’s not unusual for someone to have the occasional bad day when it comes to their self-esteem. When faced with these frequent negative feelings about yourself, we must be able to remind ourselves of all of the qualities and traits that we should feel proud of. Everyone is entitled to an off-day, once in awhile. But when these days grow more frequent, it may be a sign of some underlying trouble. That being said, we are most often kinder to others than we are to ourselves. The criticisms we save for ourselves is seldom something we would ever tell to someone else, particularly those we care about. So why don’t we care just as much when the pain is self-inflicted? When it comes to scrutiny or harsh expectations, we are often our own worst enemies. Instead, we should try to mend the relationship and turn animosity into generosity. In other words, we should learn to be our own best friends.

Negative Feelings Can Lead to Self-Abuse

Negative feelings about oneself rarely goes unaccompanied by abuse. In fact, clinical assistant professor of Psychology at University of Pennsylvania, Dr. Seth Gillihan, explains that “negative thoughts and feeling about ourselves often go along with treating ourselves badly. For example, we might verbally abuse ourselves, deprive ourselves of sleep, eat poorly, or abuse substances that harm our bodies.” We may never think of harming one of our close friends or even an acquaintance, and yet when we feel negatively about ourselves we become much more likely to administer self-abuse. We are no more deserving of such treatment than anyone else, and yet we somehow feel as though we are. Negative mindsets such as these can have a harmful effect on one’s health, happiness, and well-being. We deserve to be happy and healthy just as we would hope for our friends. In this way, we must learn to view ourselves similarly. As a friend, not a foe.

Just as, if not more harmful is self-neglect. We might think to ourselves that if we just ignore ourselves for the time being that negative feelings will just disappear, but this is almost never the case. Placing emphasis on others can mean neglecting our own wants and needs, thereby contributing, not easing our bad spirits. Dr. Gillihan says that “we might be very considerate toward everyone in our lives except for the person who inhabits our own skin.” The problem is learning to view ourselves as someone of value. We are just as valuable as those closest to us, we just need to learn to see this for ourselves. Our friends and loved ones know this to be true, which is why they want what’s best for us. We are worth knowing and loving. However, this can be difficult to remember when we’re too busy talking down to ourselves or acting as our own abusers. No one deserves to suffer an abusive relationship, especially if they are fulfilling that role themselves.

Self-Abuse: A Vicious Cycle

Dr. Gillihan provides the following example to illustrate how negative self-treatment can affect one’s self-esteem and perception of self: “imagine being in a relationship with a friend, a family member, or a romantic partner who never asks how you’re doing. (Hopefully this is not your reality.) Imagine if this person never attended to your needs or did anything nice for you, and if s/he did, it was begrudgingly and with minimal effort.” Such treatment is almost guaranteed to have a negative impact on one’s perception of their own self-worth, which will only worsen the treatment in question. The same logic applies to self-inflicted negativity. When we treat ourselves badly, we are only contributing to the problem of our own negative emotions and low self-esteem, which only worsens the treatment in question. The only way to break the cycle is to realize that we deserve better. We deserve to be happy with ourselves and in our lives.

Fake It Till You Make It

But how can we break out of this dangerous cycle? Dr. Gillihan recommends that while changing thoughts can be helpful to some extent, the way to see real results is through changing our behavior. He explains: “even if we don’t feel it, we can choose to act as though we love ourselves. Act as if you’re someone who matters. We can, in fact, fake it, and the feelings often follow.” In other words, “fake it ‘till you make it.” This old adage holds more truth than we may have previously realized. When we alter our behavior, through reconditioning, we can also alter our mindset. We might start by treating ourselves to a nice lunch, whether at a dining place or homemade. In fact, we might take the time to thoughtfully plan our day, including time for at least one activity we truly enjoy. While running from place to place trying to complete tasks and fulfill obligations it can be easy to neglect ourselves along the way. We should remember to include time for what we want, not just what we need, and in doing so, build positive emotions towards ourselves through what we like. And perhaps most importantly, we should surround ourselves with those who help us become the best versions of ourselves, not those who bring us down. After all, relationships can have a huge impact on our happiness and well-being.

At the end of the day, we will always have ourselves. Therefore we must learn to love who we are. We are our own longest-lasting and strongest relationship and this relationship is one worth caring for and nurturing. While it may feel awkward at first, self-love is entirely possible. It doesn’t have to be forced, rather, it can grow organically through regular self-care and kind treatment.

To speak with a Boca Raton therapist about improving relationships, call our office @ 800-378-9354.

One of the biggest and most powerful obstacles in psychological healing can be healing the feelings of shame. Shame is a powerful and insidious emotion. It hurts us from deep inside and causes us to forget our own strength and potential. Shame colors how we see ourselves and can even help us paint ourselves and our obstacles in a negative light. For example, some of us may feel ashamed for struggling with anxiety or depression. Although these obstacles aren’t our fault, we may still feel as though we deserve to be ashamed for having them. In situations such as these, feelings of shame can forgo any sense of reason or logic. Instead, shame is irrational and, ultimately, harmful.

The Magnitude of Shame

Shame is like a deadly virus. However, rather than attacking our immune system, shame attacks our capacity to love ourselves and one another. Repeated shamings can lead to the development of beliefs such as our own feelings are invalid. Speaker, counselor, and teacher, Dr. David Bedrick explains that “when we are shamed repeatedly, we are taught to think that our feelings are wrong and our experiences are delusive.” This can occur during childhood or even as an adult. Unfortunately, the result is the same either way: when there is no one with the necessary compassion to understand the validity of our stories and experiences, we may have a hard time believing them as well. This is the case even when we know our experiences to be true and authentic. Instead, Dr. Bedrick says, “we learn to distrust ourselves; we learn to deny our own truth, even to ourselves.”

Three Steps to Healing from Shame

Dr. Bedrick is a highly experienced practitioner of what is known as process-oriented psychology. This method is also known as Jungian psychology, as it follows the school of thought of famed psychologist Carl Jung. When it comes to dealing with excessive feelings of shame, Dr. Bedrick has found that transforming this negative mindset requires plenty of patience. However, more importantly, it requires the patient be willing to witness and listen in a truly powerful way – through seeing, feeling, and ultimately, believing. These three techniques are incredibly important for the overall healing process. Their significance and their roles in combating negative mindsets like shame are further explored below:

1. Seeing

According to Dr. Bedrick, the notion of “seeing” is on that is heavily synonymous with respect. He breaks it down thusly: “ 1) spect: to see, to view, to look at; and 2) re: to do it again. To see in a way that heals shame, is to look and then look again—to see what is not seen and affirm the unseen with our physical and verbal recognition.” In other words, we must learn to see beyond the surface of any situation to truly what is going on. This isn’t an easy task, but it’s necessary to develop the proper perspective. Seeing can sometimes mean visualizing someone else’s emotional state, but it can also mean simply acknowledging how someone else feels and trying to understand why they’re feeling that way. This makes the feelings seem important, justified, and perhaps most of all – believable.

2. Feeling

Dr. Bedrick says that “to combat shame, we also need someone to be moved by our experience. We need to not only ‘see,’ but feel and express those feelings.” To accomplish this, we must not only listen to these experiences but we must pay attention to our own feelings and how they respond. This is a necessary exercise in empathy. When someone relays a story of a time they were injured, we may respond visually by wincing, cringing, or furrowing our brow. These physical cues demonstrate that we are not only passively listening to their experience, we are also attempting to understand how they’re feeling by partially adopting their perspective. This response also shows that we are compassionate, which can contribute to an overall sense of validation. Causing someone to feel moved by sharing negative experiences lends those experiences a sense of much-needed legitimacy.

3. Believing

Speaking of legitimacy, one of the most important factors in dismantling shame is believing. Dr. Bedrick describes shame thusly: “Shame is a thief. It steals our belief in our experience and our belief in ourselves.” In this way, the only way to properly combat negative feelings like shame is by restoring belief, both in ourselves and others. This doesn’t necessarily mean that every word we say must be regarded as absolute truth. Rather, the deeper truth within our stories and experiences must be believed – the core of these experiences. More importantly, we must be believed in, not only by others, but also by ourselves.

Once again we return to the theme of justification. When we listen to an experience and offer our support without questioning its validity we are showing that we believe in that person. This can be an important part of their ability to combat their own feelings of shame and self-loathing. Belief without questioning in circumstances such as these is sometimes known as radical belief. Dr. Bedrick explains that “being radically believed changes something, because when people are shamed, not only do they experience not being believed from the outside, but they also stop believing themselves.” Conversely, radical belief can help them combat that sense of shame as well as help them develop a greater sense of self-love.

Shame Can be Treated and Healed

Together, these three pivotal qualities can help individuals realize their own significance and value. They also begin to realize that their feelings matter and are worthy of talking about. We deserve to be seen and heard. But most importantly we deserve to be understood. These qualities, whether practiced by friends in a casual setting, or by a therapist in a safe, protected one, can help alter the trajectory of someone’s life. They can heal shame, and allow us to grow in the ways we’ve always wanted to, but never realized until now that we deserved.

If you have questions about personal therapy in Boca Raton to address shame and low self-esteem, please call our office today @ 800-378-9354.

Unfortunately, it’s not uncommon for teens to engage in self-injurious behaviors. The teenage years are some of the most precarious in an individual’s lifetime. With surmounting concerns about peer acceptance, body image, and the expectations of others, teens often find themselves in a whirlpool of change and stress. This can lead to the development of some unhealthy coping mechanisms. In a 2011 news report released by ABC news, it was revealed that approximately 1 in 12 teens self-harm. However, not all self-sustained injuries are as immediately obvious. Not all injuries leave outward scars, some take the form of unhealthy behaviors which ultimately risk the individual’s safety and wellbeing. These can include eating disorders.

Self-Harm Among Teens

Dena Cabrera, psychologist and Clinical Director for the Rosewood Centers for Eating Disorders states that “Self-injury, or more formally Non-suicidal Self-injury (NSSI), is common in teenagers with anywhere from 8-61% of the population engaging in self-injurious behaviors. The 8% estimate is from community estimates, and the higher end of the spectrum is from patients seeking mental health services.” The average age of onset for the development of NSSIs is around 14 or 15. Initially, girls are more prone to self-injure than boys but the numbers becoming more equal in later adolescence.

But what exactly qualifies as an NSSI? NSSIs are formally defined as being the “direct and deliberate destruction of body tissue in the absence of any observable intent to die.” There are many possible reasons that can be attributed to the development of NSSIs but one of the most common motives is the regulation of emotions. Many teens may turn to self-harm if they are experiencing intense emotions which they have not learned to regulate in a more adaptive manner. According to Cabrera: “It is known when someone self-injures there are endogenous opiates that are released that can cause the person to feel better which is part of the reason that a young person continues the behavior despite other negative consequences.” Moreover, for some young people who have experienced trauma and have consequently dissociated or developed numbness self-harm might be their means of grounding themselves and remembering how to feel.

How to Tell if Your Teen is Self Harming

There are several warning signs which may indicate that a teenager has begun to self-harm. A common indicator is the increased presence of blood stains on clothing, towels, or tissues. There may also be frequent, unexplained wounds or an increase in “accidents.” Another potential indicator is that young people who self-harm typically do so in private, meaning that they develop an increased need for alone time beyond what is normal for a teenager and they seem to be irritable or hostile prior to their disappearance to someplace private – suggesting existing emotional distress.

If you suspect that your child may be self-harming, it is important to approach them in a calm, collected manner. Combating an inability to handle intense emotions with hostility isn’t going to create much progress. Cabrera advises concerned parents to “Ask your child about what you are noticing and try to take a curious and non-judgmental stance. Let them know that you realize that they must be experiencing significant pain if they are self-injuring, and that you are there for them and want to get them help.” Then, the next step would be to schedule an appointment with a mental health care professional. Perhaps not surprisingly, over 90% of teenagers that self-harm ultimately meet the criteria for one or more psychiatric diagnoses, including depression, conduct disorders, or anxiety disorders. But even more alarming is the fact that left unchecked, self-harm in teenagers and adolescents can potentially increase the risk of attempted and successful suicide.

Understanding the Treatment Options for Self-Harm

Treatment for teenagers suffering with NSSIs typically consists of the mental health practitioner developing a treatment plans with the teens and their parents which will address the problem of self-injury and any co-occurring disorders. Therapies such as dialectical behavioral therapy (DBT) and mentalization based treatment (MBT) are frequently used in such instances because they both offer a coherent model to help understand self-injurious behaviors. They also use active therapy and balance validation with change, which helps establish a balance between thoughts, feelings, and behaviors. In doing this, these treatments encourage agency amongst adolescents.

If your teen is self-harming in any way, the best thing to do is to seek immediate help. Doing so can not only save your child, but can also prevent them from continuing this harmful behavior.

Contact our office today to schedule an appointment with an adolescent therapist in Boca Raton.

We all have insecurities. Some of us may worry that we’re not where we’d like to be personally or professionally, others may worry that our appearances lack a certain quality we find in others. Perhaps we criticize ourselves for not being able to meet some standard that we’ve set for ourselves based on what we believe others expect of us. In any case, insecurities arise when we feel as though we aren’t achieving something we desire. Such feelings are especially common after certain social interactions in which we feel as though these disparities are magnified either for ourselves or, we perceive, in the eyes of others. For example, if we come into contact with someone who possesses the things we feel that we lack but desire to have, we might feel insecure as a result of our status compared to theirs. After all, insecurities result from scrutiny which can arise when we compare ourselves with others whom we believe possess what we want but ultimately don’t have.

Insecurities: “A Personal Purgatory of Self-Doubt”

Dr. Susan Krauss Whitbourne, professor of Psychological and Brain Sciences at the University of Massachusetts, Amherst, explains that it’s “easy to get thrown into a personal purgatory of self-doubt in these situations. Whether it’s a social contact or a business interaction,  people who want everyone to know how big they are can make the rest of us feel pretty small.” At times like these, it might be tempting to think of  how much better we’d feel if we could just brush these situations away and go on about our lives and business without doubting ourselves or our lives.

Luckily, however, Dr. Whitbourne believes that when armed with a simple set of detection tools we can accomplish just that. Moreover, we can learn to not only help ourselves feel better but to recognize the weaknesses in the facade of those whom we incorrectly assume are practically perfect.

Inferiority Complexes: A Gateway to Narcissism?

The psychology behind this process stems from the theory of the inferiority complex, a term coined by Viennese psychoanalyst Alfred Adler. According to Dr. Whitbourne, Adler believed that people who feel inferior “go about their days overcompensating through what he called ‘striving for superiority.’ The only way these inwardly uncertain people can feel happy is by making others decidedly unhappy.” To Adler, “this striving for superiority lies at the core of neurosis.” While previously associated solely with the idea of an inferiority complex, we now have come to associate this striving for superiority as a characterizing feature of narcissistic personality disorder. This disorder is best defined as a deviation in normal development which causes the individual to constantly search for ways to boost their self-esteem. Unfortunately, this can often include compromising the self-esteem of others. As Dr. Whitbourne states: “when you’re dealing with someone who’s making you feel inferior, there’s a good chance that narcissism is the culprit.”

Insecurities vs. Insecure People

While narcissism doesn’t always manifest as pathological, the term can be used to describe certain people to some extent. By better understanding what narcissism is and how it is demonstrated, we can better interpret the actions of narcissistic individuals including friends, coworkers, or partners, particularly when we examine their insecurities. After all, there is a difference between having insecurities, as we all do, and being an insecure person. The former implies that we have certain qualities that we are unsatisfied with. The latter, however, refers to someone who not only is dissatisfied with themselves or some aspect of themselves but is willing to go to lengths to enhance their self-esteem even if it means that they are compromising the self-esteem of others or making them feel bad in their place.

To know the difference, it is important to learn the four key traits of insecure people, which can potentially make for toxic relationships:

1. They Try to Make You Feel Insecure

As previously stated, the insecure person is not afraid to make others feel insecure about themselves. A good thing to ask is whether our insecurities are our own or whether or not we only experience them when we are around certain people, particularly those who frequently broadcast their strengths as if to seem superior because of them to others. If you don’t feel insecure in general, but only around certain people, it is likely due to the fact that that person or persons are projecting their insecurities onto you.

2. They Frequently “Humble Brag”

We’re all familiar with the humble brag: the self-derogatory statement which acts as a buffer for what is actually bragging. For example, someone complaining that they have to travel to exotic locations for work or that they have more money than they know what to do with.

3. They Need to Showcase Their Accomplishments

You may not necessarily have to feel insecure around someone to know that a fear of inferiority may be at the heart of their behavior. Dr. Whitbourne explains: “People who are constantly bragging about their great lifestyle, their elite education, or their fantastic children may very well be doing so to convince themselves that they really do have worth.” Showcasing accomplishments may very well be a means of seeking the approval or, at the very least, of impressing others.

4. They Frequently Complain that Things Aren’t Good Enough

People who suffer from high feelings of insecurity often try to cover these feelings by expressing to others that they have high standards. However, even if you sense that it’s just an act, sometimes the act can be so convincing that you may start to believe that perhaps they are actually better than you. This is a toxic mindset and one that is based on false presumptions rather than reality. The fact of the matter is is this proclamation of high standards is actually reflective of the insecure individual’s own rigorous self-assessment criteria and not of any actual superiority they might have over others.

When In Doubt, Take the High Road

When dealing with insecurities and insecure people, Dr. Whitbourne advises that “Being able to detect insecurity in the people around you can help you shake off the self-doubts that some people seem to enjoy fostering in you.” In such cases, it’s better to take the high road, as it were, to not only establish a sense of fulfillment of ourselves but in the insecure individuals we love and care about.

In our efforts to be selfless and care for others, particularly our loved ones, it’s not uncommon for many of us to forget to love ourselves. But 9After all, all good things come from within. But what exactly does it mean to love ourselves? How can we? Self-love, just like any other love, can be subjective, thus,  how we define self-love and how we practice it is unique to ourselves. For some of us, we might practice self-love by treating ourselves or pampering. While these gestures are kind and good to indulge in from time to time, true self-love is something deeper. In this instance, think of gifting and the importance of meaning. We might give someone a gift, but what truly makes the gift special is the meaning behind it – what significance the gift has. While it is nice to give to others, a gift without meaning is hollow and lacks the special quality that it would otherwise have if it did mean something. Self-love operates along the same lines. While it is good to treat ourselves, it does not necessarily mean that we truly love ourselves, just as we may not truly love someone whom we gift. Kindness is an aspect of love but it does not fill in for love in its entirety.

What is Self-Love?

So what is self-love? Dr. John Amodeo, a licensed marriage and family therapist and adjunct faculty member of Meridian University, describes true self-love as being: “finding peace within ourselves – resting comfortably within the depths of our being.” As such, he believes that the act of “doing” for ourselves may offer a temporary respite, but won’t cultivate the deeper, inner peace that we crave. The develop this, we must practice a certain way of being with ourselves: “a warm and nurturing attitude toward what we experience inside.”

In essence, to love ourselves we must learn to practice self-empathy, positivity, warm, and nurturing to ourselves. We must demonstrate the same patience, kindness, and mindfulness towards ourselves as we would to others.

Remember to be Gentle on Yourself

To begin with, it’s important to remember to be gentle with ourselves. While it’s not necessarily bad to have an awareness of one’s flaws, it can be very detrimental to focus solely on what one perceives as “problems”, or worse, exacerbate those flaws and neglect our positive attributes. Unfortunately, this is all too common, and this can lead to the development of insecurity and low self-esteem. Many of us may find that it’s easier to be kind and gentle to others than it is to practice those same traits with ourselves. In some cases, this may be due to toxic influences from our past and even our present who may have taught us to be judgmental towards ourselves and drown out our feelings with harsh criticism rather than honoring our emotions and giving ourselves the same respect we’d give to those we care about. Dr. Amodeo notes: “An attitude of gentleness toward our feelings is one way to have more spaciousness around them. We can “be with” our emotions rather than be overwhelmed by them.” Developing a sense of friendliness with our emotional selves helps us not only better understand that aspect of ourselves but also makes us more willing to be open and honest with ourselves and others about how we’re feeling at any given moment. This can be incredibly beneficial to both our physical and mental wellbeing.

Don’t Feel Compelled to Change Experiences

Another important characteristic of true self-love is that we can allow ourselves to experience things as they are without feeling compelled to change or suppress our experiences. This can mean having to confront negative emotions and experience them rather than pushing them away because we’re either too afraid to face how we feel or because we believe that pushing negative experiences away will somehow protect us from them. Dr. Amodeo explains that “Oftentime, we try to push away unpleasant experiences and cling to pleasant ones.” But, as Buddhist psychology suggests, “we create more suffering for ourselves by clinging to pleasant things and having an aversion toward painful feelings.”

Oftentimes we find ourselves hiding from our emotions not only because we are afraid of how they might impact us but also because we are afraid of how others might perceive us. Emotions are frequently, and wrongly, associated with weakness, when, in reality, it takes a lot of strength to come to terms with how one feels openly and honestly. Rather than letting the judgments of others shape how we perceive and, consequently, how we treat ourselves, we should remember that our emotions are a valuable part of who we are and therefore should be treated with kindness and respect, just as we should. After all, if a friend was confiding their sadness to you, you likely wouldn’t react harshly as you might towards yourself for experiencing those same emotions. At times like these, we must remember that we are our own best friends and therefore deserve the same amount of respect and consideration we would show our loved ones.

Embrace the Unknown

Finally, true-self love also means embracing ambiguity. We might not always know exactly what we’re feeling, especially in the heat of the moment, and that’s ok. Emotions can be difficult to decipher without hindsight, but, as Dr. Amodeo states: “If we can allow ourselves to pause and make room for ambiguity and patiently welcome and explore our blurry, vague feelings, they may gradually come into clearer focus.” This all boils down to being patient with ourselves rather than growing frustrated, or worse, hostile. As Dr. Amodeo puts it: “Human feelings are gifts to be welcomed. But we need to find a way to be with them so that they become allies, not enemies.” Thus we must remember that what we feel is part of who we are and therefore embracing our emotions is a necessary aspect of practicing self-love.

Conclusion

By learning to truly understand and accept our experiences as a part of who we are, we are better able to love ourselves and develop a true sense of self-love that goes beyond actions or superficiality. Self-love isn’t just about treating ourselves every now and then but is actually about learning to be at peace with who we are so that we might not only feel better about ourselves but also be able to achieve our true potentials.

Most of the people in the world are looking for some surefire ways to be as successful as possible at their chosen vocation.  It turns out the regardless of whether you are the head of a major corporation or the best liked mop girl at the neighborhood car wash, there is going to be a pattern to the behaviors that make you ready to start or continue moving up the ladder in your professional life as well as your personal life.  If you choose to integrate some of these suggestions into your daily life, you may starting down the fast track to achieving anything that you would like to achieve in your life.

1. Get Some Rest – You are unlikely to be able to make the best out of your day if you have not slept enough. Not sleeping enough can make you sluggish and forgetful as well as clumsy and scattered.  This is not the way to achieve the goals that you have set out for yourself.  There are going to be times occasionally when you do not get enough rest, but try to create the kind of environment that promotes sleep.  Use your bed only for sleeping.  Keep the lights low and any kind of distractions to a minimum.

2. Set Goals – Setting up goals gives you something to work toward. Break large goals into smaller projects that can add up to the whole so that you can see some progress, and you will not be as likely to get discouraged.  Setting small daily goals can keep you in the habit of achieving things and keeping track of the ways that you have achieved things.

3. Have a Morning Routine – Most people who are considered successful get up early in the morning. Often, people who are considered to be successful get up early because the early bird catches the worm, or so it is said.  This is not always a schedule that is going to work for you.  At whatever time you get out of bed, have a routine.  Get out of bed and do something right away that is going to get your day started off strong.  Exercise and listen to an inspiring podcast.  Read some of a book that will contribute to your day.  Have breakfast with your family and talk about each other’s goals for the day.  Accomplish one of your goals first thing so that you can feel accomplished so early in you day.  Whatever it is that you need to do to jumpstart your day, do it first thing.

4. Plan Your Tomorrow the Night Before – If you go to sleep already knowing your plan for the next day, you may feel better which promotes good sleeping habits. If you get up in the morning already knowing what your day is going to hold for you, you can get started right away and start chipping away at the list of goals.  Setting your priorities the day before can help to keep you on track.  When thinking about your daily schedule, think about all of the projects you have on your plate.  Schedule the most important tasks or most difficult tasks first so that they will be sure to get done.  Be sure to leave some room in your schedule for any kind of immediate situation that cannot wait.  It may also help to set yourself a time limit.  Projects with no deadline or no time limit have a tendency to take longer than they really should so set limits and stick to them.  It inspires efficiency and effectiveness on the part of everyone involved.

5. Ask Questions – All successful people ask questions. You may think that to be successful you need to have all of the answers.  That is not true.  You need to be okay with asking questions about anything that you need to have clarified.  If you do not understand, speak up.  If you have a concern, speak up.  It is your duty to do so because there may be someone else in the room who has the same question but it too afraid to speak.

6. Remember to Take Care of Yourself – Taking some time for yourself is one of the best things that you can do to avoid burnout and dissatisfaction. You have to spend some time relaxing, eating right, getting enough exercise, being with your family, and doing the things that you like to do to be able to consider yourself truly successful.