Category: Parenting Techniques

The notion of child bullies is nothing new. We often hear about kids bullying other kids, which unfortunately can lead to a number of significant consequences, including triggering self-harm, or worse, suicide for the bullying victim. Despite this, bullying has become so commonplace, especially within the last century or so, that the “playground bully” has become a veritable archetype in coming-of-age stories and school-based narratives. That being said, what motivates children to bully others? And what happens when this bullying is taken home?

Lesser known is the fact that children can actually bully their own parents. It’s hard to believe at first, especially when we consider the age and size discrepancies, as well as the difference in authority.  However, this happens more frequently than many of us may realize. Psychotherapist, author, and public speaker, Dr. Sean Grover has more than 20 years of experience working with both adults and children in his practice. In that time, he’s witnessed numerous cases of adults whom he feels were being bullied by their children. According to him, these parents and their children come from various cultures and communities. What connects them, however, is three commonly occurring scenarios which lead to this unique and harmful relationship:

Three Common Ties to Child Bullies

• The parents were bullied by their own parents.
• The parents, themselves, are narcissistic.
• The parents had parents that were absent or neglectful.

These three characteristics appear to be the common threads which link such instances of dominance-reversal and parent-abuse together. Understanding them can help explain why kids may choose to bully their parents as well as why the parents have fallen into the role of bullying victim. Kids may act in such a way that is bullying to others for a variety of reasons. Among the most common, according to the University of New Hampshire Cooperative Extension, are the experience of physical abuse or turmoil in the home, or a desire to stand out to others in a way that they have learned garners them the most attention. More often than not, bullies, themselves, have been or are being bullied, oftentimes by those who are bigger and stronger than they are. Unfortunately, their bullies are often found at home. When this situation is reversed, however, explaining this behavior becomes a bit more complex.

When Parents Have Been Bullied By Their Own Parents

One of the most common scenarios observed in parents who are bullied by their children is that they had also been victim to bullying by their own parents. In other words, this “culture” of bullying and abuse passes down from one generation to the next. The victims remain victims, only now the perpetrators of the abuse are the children.

Because these parents had been bullied when they were young, they may compensate by being overly liberal with their own children. These parents are effectively attempting to undo their own history of abuse by allowing their children the freedom they were denied. However, freedom in excess can be dangerous. After all, kids require guidance in order to grow and develop in a healthy manner. That being said, very recently, there has been a backlash against overly authoritarian parenting techniques of the past. Because of this, in an attempt to distance themselves from these methods, many parents today may find themselves falling towards the opposite ends of the spectrum and being too permissive.

Though their hearts are in the right place, they consequently leave their child’s behavior unregulated and undisciplined. This means that the child may lack a developed sense of boundaries or what kind of behavior is acceptable. Not understanding boundaries or not being checked when those boundaries are crossed contributes to repeat behavior, which ultimately leads to bullying.

When Parents Were the Victims of Neglect

Sometimes, however, the parents weren’t abused but instead were neglected by their own parents. This leads to a different set of challenges. For example, adults who have grown up with parents that were absent or neglectful may not know how to act as a parent themselves. Without a parenting model to go by, many adults find themselves overwhelmed by this new role. They might defer difficult or unpopular decisions, like those having to do with discipline or rule enforcement, thereby shifting the burden of parenting from themselves to their children.

Now initially, many children may jump at the opportunity to seize control from their parents, but in reality they are completely unprepared to manage themselves successfully. When parents don’t provide the necessary guidance a child needs to flourish, they will grow frustrated and, as a result, become abusive.

What Happens When Parents are Narcissistic

The third most common characteristic of parents who are bullied by their children are that the parents, themselves, are narcissistic. Essentially what this means is that these parents often don’t truly listen to their children and are more preoccupied with their own wants and needs. They will likely monopolize conversations, make frequent comparisons to themselves even when it’s not warranted, and they will react with opposition towards their children acting in a manner that is unique or individualistic. This is because these parents would like their children to develop in a way that is the most similar to themselves. While there is nothing inherently wrong with wanting to recognize aspect of oneself in one’s children, kids are ultimately their own people. Not recognizing this can mean compromising a child’s need to express themselves and use their own voices.

From the child’s perspective, they may feel as though their parents are looking past them rather than at them. A desire for recognition, appreciation, and respect can lead to frequent instances of “acting out.” This is what evolves into bullying behavior. In an effort to break free from their parent’s self-absorption, these children will try to make everything about them, their choices motivated by anger and frustration. Narcissistic parenting results in a lack of emotional fulfillment for the children. Because these needs aren’t being met, a conflict arises between the parents and their kids who feel deprived. These patterns, left unrecognized and unchecked can ultimately lead to estrangement between parent and child.

Breaking the Cycle can Break the Habit

By recognizing these cycles of behavior and their causes we can properly address the problem of children bullying their parents. Therapists often help bring these issues to light and guide both parents and children in ways to alter their communication and behavior so that it is mutually beneficial, rather than conflicting or abusive. The past affects the present, and this holds especially true when we look at how our childhoods can affect how we raise our own kids in the present and future.

For family therapy options in Boca Raton, please call our office @ 800-378-9354.

Losing a child is one of the most difficult things that a person can go through.  No matter how old the child is, the pain is going to be some of the strongest you have ever experienced.  If you are a parent who lost a child,  you can probably count the things that people have said to you that you wish they had not.  Many people may think that they are trying to be comforting and helpful, but sometimes their comments feel more like a swift kick to the shins.  If you are struggling for what to say to someone who is grieving the loss of a child, here are a few options of what not to say and maybe some things that you could say instead.

Four Things You Should Never Say To A Parent Who Lost A Child

#1 Everything Happens for a Reason

Everything does not necessarily happen for a reason.  At least not that we of this world know about.  Sometimes life just does not make sense.  We all want for the world to be a safe place all the time, but that just is not the case.  Losing a child or knowing someone who has lost a child is one of the fastest ways to feel how unsafe the world can be.  One of the best things that you can say to grieving parents is that the death of their child does not make sense, that it is not fair, and that you wish there was something you could do to take away some of their suffering.

#2  Time Heals All Wounds

This is not entirely true either.  Rather than healing all wounds, time can soften a wound and change the ways in which grief effects you.  No matter how much time passes, not all wounds are going to heal.  The wound of losing a child will stay with you forever, but you will be able to experience it in different ways as you get further from the death.  It could be a good idea for you to ask the grieving person what you can do to help.  You could also just let him or her know that you are there and you are available to help if you are needed.

#3  Be Thankful

Telling someone to be thankful when he or she has just lost one of the most important things in his or her life will seem insensitive and like you do not understand the pain that is truly going on.  The most common things that others tell grieving parents to be thankful for is that living children, that they had the child at all, or that they can have more children.  The people who bring up these things often do not know if these are really the things that the parent should be thankful for.  These parents may not be able to have more children.  They may not have more children.  And they are more thankful than anyone could ever know for the time they had with their deceased child.  Their gratitude for every single moment they had with that child is what keeps them from staying in bed all day and choosing to leave the world behind.  Rather than telling the parent to be thankful, you should tell him or her that you are thankful for the time you had with the child, that you are thankful for them, and that you are thankful for their friendship.

 #4  Move on, or Let Go

When you tell a parent grieving the loss of a child to move on and get over it, you are causing that parent pain and you are rubbing salt into an already gaping wound.  The only things that these parents have to hold on to is the memories of this child and the love for him or her.  There is no moving on from that.  These grieving parents will always have both of those things.  They will not stop loving and thinking about and caring for a child who is lost to them.  They will not give up on a child who they would have gladly traded places with.

As mentioned earlier, it gets a little easier to carry around the weight of missing someone so much.  The hurt gets a little softer and more manageable, but there is not going to be a time when letting go of a lost child can truly happen.  Instead, let the parents know that you are there to walk beside them and hold on to them.  That is really what they need the most.

For support and advice on how to cope with the loss of a child, please call our Boca Raton office.

When your daughter goes from being your adorable little girl to the difficult preteen stage now called “the tweens”, it can be daunting for you.  Girls of that age can be moody, self-centered, overdramatic, surly, condescending, and prone to throwing tantrums.  Tween girls can also take on mature demeanors and be affectionate and very kind, but the hormones that are flooding their changing bodies sometimes make it more important for them to feel like they are figuring out their place in the world.  This can often come at the expense of their family’s feelings among other things.  She is likely to be working very hard to feel grown up and independent which means that it may be hard for her to show her need and affection for you as her parent.

If you are willing to adjust your thinking to the changing needs of your growing preteen daughter, this could be the perfect opportunity to keep your relationship solid so that you can both weather the coming years together.

Five Tips To Stay Close With Your Preteen Daughter

1. Give her some independence

It is normal for your preteen daughter to want to have some freedom from you.  She should be able to make some of her own choices.  Trying to control all of her choices will only be inviting rebellion.  If you can find appropriate ways for your daughter to make some of her own choices, then she will not need to rebel.  She is not always going to make the right choices, but even adults do not do the right thing all the time.

2. Encourage the things she is passionate about.

Any place that your daughter can feel confident and competent is a good thing.  She will be able to lose herself in the activity and forget everything else.  When she finds something that she is passionate about – it could be sports, painting, singing, dancing, or anything else – encourage her to continue doing it.  Help her to make it possible to continue doing the things that she loves the most.  It should be her decision rather than something that you or other family members push her towards.

3. Schedule quality time with your daughter.

In recent years, there has been a big push for families creating time to spend together.  Take that notion one step further and schedule time for you to spend with your daughter alone.  Choose a time each week when she is unlikely to have other conflicts like school or opportunities to be with friends, and choose something that you both like to do.  Even something as simple as taking a walk together is enough.  You are taking this time to seek a connection with her so that she knows that you care about her and understand that her life has meaning.

4. Insist that your preteen daughter get at least nine hours of sleep.

It is going to start to be harder for her to fall asleep.  With everything that is going on in her body, getting enough sleep can be difficult.  Science has attributed some of the moodiness of teenagers to not getting enough sleep which causes too much cortisol to stay in their bodies making them edgy and difficult to deal with.  She may fight you, but an earlier bedtime is going to be better for her in the long run.  If she is having trouble falling asleep, teach her some relaxation exercises so that she is at least getting some rest while waiting to fall asleep.

5. Talk about anything she wants to talk about.

Because of her age and her proximity to the teenage years, your daughter is going want information about love and sex.  She has certainly picked up some information along the way, but it has been proven that kids who are close with their parents or kids who are free to talk about what they want to know with their parents tend to be better equipped to deal with situations when they arise.  Teaching your daughter to walk away from any situation that is too much for her to handle is one of the best things that you can do.  Make it okay for your daughter to talk to you about anything and everything that she has questions about.  And be honest with your answers.

Some people will describe teenagers as a species all their own.  Teenagers’ bodies are so overrun by the hormones that are coursing through their veins that they can be difficult and irritable.  They can be emotionally driven and motivated to keep most adults out of their lives completely.  Teenagers can be very difficult to communicate with especially when it comes to talking about difficult subjects.  Difficult subjects do not have to be limited to drugs or alcohol.  When talking to a parent or guardian, a difficult subject for a teenager can be anything that he or she does not want to be talking about. But sometimes it is necessary to talk about things even if they are uncomfortable.

There are some things that you can do to make talking to your teenager a little easier on both of you and make the conversation more productive. Working on cultivating an atmosphere of open communication should be something that is ongoing.

1. Take Interest In What They Like

One of the easiest ways to encourage open communication is to take an interest in what your teenager is saying or doing.  No one likes to feel as though they are being ignored.  You do not need to like everything that your teenager likes, but it is a good idea to be able have a natural conversation.  If you and your teenager are already having regular conversations about regular things than talking about more difficult subjects should be a little easier.

2. Don’t Let Your Emotions Get The Best Of You – Treat Them With Respect

Always treat your teenager with respect.  Even though he or she is likely to make mistakes and not treat you how you feel that you should be all the time, he or she should be treated with the respect and courtesy that you would give anyone else while still maintaining your authoritative energy.  One of the easiest ways to exhibit this courtesy is to knock before entering your teenager’s room.  It is also a good idea allow space for your teenager’s thoughts and opinions.  Even if you do not agree, it can be very helpful for him or her to have some space to explore his or her own perceptions of the world.

 3. Encourage Problem Solving Rather Than Scorning

When it comes to talking to your teenager about difficult subjects like drugs, sex, death, or the law, it can be your first reaction, especially if your teenager has made some kind of mistake or cause d some kind of a problem, to ask some very loaded questions.  If you find that the first questions that come to mind start with “How could you…”, “What were you thinking…”, or “What is wrong with you…”, stop yourself.  These questions are not going to lead you to any of the places where open and constructive conversations are possible.  Instead, think about problem solving and ask what he or she plans to do to rectify the situation or be proactive so that it does not happen again.  Ask if he or she would like to run any of the potential ideas past you since talking things out often makes them easier to process.  Remember to avoid blaming so that the dialogue keeps flowing.

 4. Always Listen With An Open Mind

If and when you move on to the brain storming or problem solving portion of the conversation, remember that that is what you are doing.  You are not meant to be pushing your opinions off on your teenager.  You are meant to be aiding him or her in making his or her own decisions.  Pointing out the negatives in the situation is not going to be productive either.  Make an effort to be positive and encouraging in your comments.  Offer helpful suggestions, but mostly listen.  Listen to your teenager while he or she works out the problem at hand.  Often, parents or guardians spend too much time talking and telling teenagers what they should be doing rather than giving the teenager the space to figure things out for him or herself.  If your teenager knows that he or she can expect a lecture or to be talked down to when there is a problem, he or she is unlikely to come to you for help when it is really needed.

 5. Stay Calm and Supportive

All you really need to do to be able to foster better communication with your teenager is to stay calm.  Remember that you are talking to a person and not just your child.  He or she is capable of making decisions and figuring things out.  All of these steps will lead you to a more open and communicative relationships as your teenager grows into adulthood.